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www.kevacho.com
©2002-2024
Kevin Michael Vance
Writer - Portland, Oregon
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Isis
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11/03/2006 at 02:35 AM |
Website: http://www.becomingjuicy.com
Ooooh, heartbreaking to read Kevin. It's hard to recover from such betrayal. As someone who's been through their beloved surprisingly shooting themselves in the head and an ugly divorce after giving my second husband my soul, I speak from experience when I say "Loving is the gift." That what we take away is the experience of having loved- however imperfectly.
The question always seems to be, will I break and say no to risking that way again, or will I break open and have the capacity to love even more deeply. Will I crucify myself for love again and again?
I'm not talking about being an idiot about things. Obviously don't fling yourself in front of a crack whore and fantasize how she's going to be your next messiah. There is, as I'm sure you know, always something to the story. I had to look at why I attracted two men who needed me to save them. Then when I couldn't, they punished me in the ways they knew how. Who was I that this was a role I was comfortable in? How could I see when I was slipping back into those patterns? What was the pay off for me? I was going to heal them and then they were going to do what? Love me the way I longed to be loved? How did I ever so subtly manipulate the situation, enable the drama, or not see their limited capacity?
My intent was to disentangle the story from my former partners. Yes, Phil destroyed me, but he destroyed an old version of me. Who was that woman? How could I love more deeply without betraying myself or expecting that if I loved with all of me that I would never be betrayed? Who was this woman rising from the ashes? How could I still keep my heart open while risking the greatest hurt?
I'm sorry if I'm getting a little soap boxy. I certainly don't mean to diminish the validity of your experience in any shape or form. Of course I also have an agenda. The possibility that you might need more time to process outside of dating makes me sad. However, I think you are fabulous and at the end of the day I want what's best for you...
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