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January 07, 2005 To reiterate... To reiterate…This is that time of year I find so difficult; the months of January and February are, for me, the dark months, specifically as it concerns my time spent at the gym. Why? Because, as far as I am concerned, the gym is a sanctuary, a respite from the assault of the world and its moronic idioms and idiosyncrasies, a reverent place where I can release all of my pent up aggressions and rage. Call it what you will, but the gym is my dojo, my church, my asylum. I go to the gym four days a week. I see others who put in just as much effort and time, sculpting their bodies, gathering strength of mind, strength of character, strength of purpose. This in fact makes the first two months of the New Year all the more difficult. Why? Because the gym- my dojo, my hallowed ground- is inundated with tourists. Now, what's a tourist? Well, it's a term I borrowed from Chuck Palahniuk, and his book and movie "Fight Club". A tourist is a "wanna-be", a New Years "Resolution-er", a weak willed neophyte who thinks a few months in the gym could change a life of excess and debauchery and bad decisions. Now I have nothing wrong with neophytes. We all have been, and all will be, a neophyte at some time in our life. Furthermore, I have immense respect for anyone who steps into a gym, especially if it's painfully obvious, to them as well as everyone else, that it is the first time they have ever done so. This leads me to my point. Just as with any church or dojo there are rules, rules that must be strictly followed and respected in the gym. If you do not follow these rules, you could actually hurt someone. Seriously. If you've never dropped a 45-pound weight on your foot you have no clue as to what I'm talking about. And if you hurt me or my wife because you're being an idiot, I will find you and hurt you back. First of all, the gym is not a playground, or a singles bar for that matter. People who go there, not the tourists but the warriors, are there to work. They are not there to hem or haw or converse. They are in fact trying to better themselves, which means they deserve your admiration. Be cool with them and they will be cool with you. Prove to them you're an idiot neophyte and they will prove to you just what a man who can "Leg-Press" a thousand pounds can do. There is no need, absolutely none, to be loud and obnoxious in the gym. When a man or a woman is trying to "work out", (this is the main reason why I wear a "Walkman") they are trying to focus on the muscle group they are working. When you conduct yourself in an ostentatious and insufferable manner in the gym you fuck with peoples focus. Think of a Buddhist monk meditating. It's the same thing. Don't fuck with my focus! Don't scream (god, how I despise the screamers). Don't gesticulate wildly. Don't draw undue attention to yourself. Be cool, follow the rules that apply to you, myself, and everyone else. Work, and I will respect you, act like a child and you'll garner nothing but my derision. Secondly, and this applies most strongly to the tourists, if you are unsure of whether or not a warrior is finished using a machine… ask. Walk up to the woman or man, and ask them whether or not they are done. It's quite simple dear readers. Be polite. I don't know how many times, as the influx of tourists spreads throughout the gym like a feral virus, I've had machines "snaked" right out from under me, with no thought or pretext. This makes me wish I was more like my mom. Mother, would walk up to the dunderhead who "snaked" the machine away from her, and tell them to leave. I don't do that. I don't "shush" people in the movie theatre, even though I should. Thirdly, if a warrior is trying to place a heavy weight back on a rack, or moving it to a machine, and you, the tourist, are carrying nothing, or worse, standing idly about chattering up a tsunami… GET THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR WAY! Again, this is a very simple concept that even a child could grasp. The warrior carrying the most weight has the right of way. Period. Pay attention to what's going on around you. Leave your wretched cell phone and your pathetic attitude in the locker and focus! Fourth, and this applies mostly to men, DO NOT THROW WEIGHTS! If you were to sit and watch the dynamics of a gym… any gym, you would find that the warriors working the hardest, or lifting the most weight, are the least obtrusive, or the least likely to be doing stupid things like throwing weights and screaming. Granted, this is not always the case, but it's more applicable to the warriors than the tourists. And this is because these people, these warriors, have actually learned something from their time spent in the gym, and what they have learned is a healthy modicum of humility. Which, dear readers, is one, of many, great attributes a true warrior possesses. It never ceases to astonish me how it's always the men lifting the least amount of weight who are making the most noise, or causing the greatest fuss. These pitiable souls are only scared, little children jumping up and down on the side of a pool screaming at their parents to watch them jump in. Fifth, never… under any circumstances what so ever remove weights from a machine that is being used by a warrior. And I mean never! There is never, EVER an exception to this rule. I don't care if you’re a trainer, Arnold, or Genghis Fuckin' Khan himself, don't touch the weights if the machine is in use! This should be self explanatory, but it is not. I don't know how many times I've been working out when some dullard… some ignoramus… some mentally stunted Piltdown man steps up and completely blows the fragile veneer of focus and concentration I have so meticulously built by removing weights off the machine I'm using!!! Aaaarrgghhh…. Six, when you are done with the weights, re-rack them. For those tourists who find this notion difficult to grasp let me explain myself. There are weights, and then there are racks upon which the weights reside. You have to remove a weight from a rack to use it. When you are finished using the weight, replace the weight exactly where you had first found it, which should be on a rack. Don't leave the weight on the machine. Don't leave it on the floor. Properly replace it on the rack. I have never been to a gym, and I've been to many, that does not have signs posted, seemingly everywhere, stating to re-rack weights. Simple. Easy. I ask only three things of human beings, three simple things. The irony being how often I am disappointed at how many people find these three things so difficult to comprehend, let alone follow. 1. Be cool. The only time I have a problem with adults is when they act like children. 2. Do your job. This one's tough. I've found that most people don't. 3. Follow the rules. You know… things like speed limits, re-racking your weights, please and thank you… simple stuff. Again, the rules apply to you. Why wouldn't they? You are not special. You are not unique. Just like me. Therefore, the rules apply to you! Tourists take heed. Follow these 6 simple rules and you will find your time spent in the gym far more gratifying and enjoyable. [Add Comment] [View Comment] |
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