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October 23, 2005 Year of "their" Lord This has been, for me, a decidedly trying, eventful, and radically difficult year. The past few months alone have been some of the most hard months of my entire life; what with the lunacy of my failed marriage, the ensuing debacle as I was forced to break a renters' lease, move out of Colorado and back to Portland. Then of course there is the daily reminder of the treachery and lies that caused all the pain, the near… impossibility of actually finding a job in this rain-accursed city, the painful fact that I'm 36 years old and living in my parents' basement (oooh… sexy!). Not to mention the very real, and very physical trauma of having intimacy and closeness severed from my life as surely as if someone had lopped off my right arm.Now is anyone dead or dieing? No. Will I preserver and survive? Of course, I will. I always do. Has my heart been rudely chopped and diced into little bloody bits and my mind twisted and stretched to the point where it might break? Yes, but that does not mean that I am down and out, nor does it mean that I will give up the fight. I will not. You can count on that. But anyone who has loved as openly and trusted as willingly as I have can understand the pain of having a relationship die. It may not be physical, but it hurts just the same. However, it seems to me, that I'm not alone in my sorrow, that there are many of us having a rough 2005. For lack of a better word, it's weird. There has been some major crap going on with many people I know. Almost like the planets are misaligned or some such nonsense. A good majority of my friends, even some of my acquaintances, are going through major relationship problems. My sister muddles through a divorce of her own, as does my friend and supervisor at work. I have one friend, and a friendly acquaintance, both of whom had fallen into comas this year, no more than a week or two apart. The friend is doing relatively well; the acquaintance is still in therapy and probably will be for another year. Then there's the horror that can be Mother Nature unleashing her fury and rage on an ill prepared government and a shocked and horrified people down south. It appears as if we are still not out of the proverbial woods on that one yet, and the destruction of the Hurricanes makes my little agonizing drama look like nothing more than a mere hiccup. So, what is it that I'm hoping for? You know I'm still not sure yet. I am truly floating here in Portland, and I am honestly searching for a place where I feel good again… good and strong. My will is increasing, as is my strength, but the focus has not yet returned and the desire lies dormant. I hope, to ride out these last few months in 2005, at the end of which the legal ties that bind my ex-wife and I will be mercifully and inexorably cut. I want to slide into 2006 with renewed purpose and passion. My goal is to some how… some way… acquire an agent (this time legitimate) who might usher me into the world I so desperately wish to be a part of, a world that has been a dream of mine ever since I started my first book at age seventeen. I hope that Mother Nature might see fit to give the folk down south a gentle respite from chaos, and allow them to reestablish and rebuild their lives and homes. I hope to trust again. I hope to some day love again, and I hope the same for every one of my friends and family that are undergoing the suffering of a broken relationship. Things are moving and happening. It seems like it has been a while since I heard the rhythm that is my life, pounding out its unerringly passionate tempo, urging me forward into the unknown and the dark and the distance. But I hear it now, on the fringes of my mind, almost out of range. It's close now, very close. I have already met some good people here in Portland. I have garnered a bit of interest in my work (wish me luck), and I have a job. I'm not "there" yet, but I'm getting there… slowly, maybe, but most definitely surely. [Add Comment] [View Comments] 4 |
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