 |
|
|
|
|
 
|
|
January 11, 2007 Still learning-- I'll be honest with you, I've been composing the "random thought" printed below for a few weeks, and admittedly have been more than leery to release it. The "thought" exposes some of my weaknesses and a few of my insecurities. However, I made a vow to myself many years ago, when I first began writing that I would never, ever censor my own writing. Thus, I write, and here it is (for what it's worth).*** Hard to believe that little over a year ago I was in a happy and content marriage. Hard to believe that the relationship, which we had cultivated lovingly for over 4 years, was one of my most reliable sources of pride, a relationship that to all others, friends and family alike, was a model relationship, a coveted relationship. Strange thinking that I had given every synapse of my mind, every corpuscle of my heart, every inch of my body and strength and courage to said relationship. And even stranger still were the promises made to love no other, the commitments voiced to stay together in good times and bad, and the reassurances that the solidity of my relationship, my marriage, was infallible. Now, all of that is over. I find myself in a new year, still attempting (much to my chagrin) to understand "her" egregious actions, desperately trying to remember not just the good times, but the REAL good times (of which there were many) before she went after me and our marriage with all the care, respect, and love of a wrecking ball. In spite of everything, I continue to find it hard to explain how I feel. Yet, I keep coming back to a line from the movie, strangely enough, "First Blood" -- 'You don't just turn it off!' Speaking for myself that is how it is, simply put. I don't just stop feeling. My emotions are too powerful for me to simply, "get over it", and in all honesty and humility I wish I could. I invested too much time and effort to do what "she" did and merely shut down, tune out, or "turn off". Maybe that's a weakness of mine, but I don't think so. If I had in me the incalculable cowardice to just "up and quit", I never would have accomplished many of the things in my life, of which I am most proud. The saddest part, at least for myself and my, admittedly, ignorant role, is that I find myself haunted. Haunted not only by the ghost of the woman I loved, who left in me something so precious that I am eternally and indelibly marked, but also by the lack of resolution, of closure, she so maliciously and callously did not impart. More than a year gone now, and still, I know not why she did what she did, why she used and manipulated my trust and was so bent- hell bent- on hurting my family and I. My sister once told me that, if need be, I could imagine that my ex had suffered a massive head wound. For, how else could one realistically and logically explain such atrocious actions, how else could she so gleefully destroy hope, lie, break promises and commitments, and throw away everything we had labored to create, if not for intense cranial trauma? Yet, I am a realist. I cannot make up stories to discern irrational behavior. I do see, however, that the beautiful, wonderful woman to whom I had devoted my love and my life is dead. Worse still, are the scenarios and images that plague my brain. You see I was never made privy to any of her thoughts, nor her disillusionment with our marriage. So I can never know, seeing how she had refused to talk to me, when the loving stopped and the indignation began, or how it initially happened, or what I did to inspire such cowardly actions, or worse- the day that she made the decision to abandon me, and our life together. Again, these are the things that continue to haunt me, and probably will, for the remainder of my days. I'm moving forward, and I hoped I would be well and done with this by now, but in truth, it still hurts. I try to concentrate on the things that matter- the love of my family and friends, the struggle to make my career happen, even something so mundane as my job- and day by day, month to month, I grow stronger. If reopened, old scars bleed just as strongly as new cuts. [Add Comment] 0 Comments |
||
 
|