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Kevin Michael Vance
Writer - Portland, Oregon
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Title: ALIEN: COVENANT
Director: Ridley Scott
Year: 2017
Reviewed: August 28, 2017
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Birthday Cake-Second Highest Rating |
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All right, my friends. Here we have it... my review of the movie, "Alien: Covenant". So, let's get right to it. The movie, unfortunately, is bad. And when I say bad... I mean, real fucking bad!
However, I would first like to commence with my overwhelming love for the director, Ridley Scott. He is, and forever will be, one of my four masters (the other three being, of course, in no particular order- Peter Gabriel, Ray Bradbury, and Joss Whedon.) Sir Ridley Scott can die happy knowing that he not only directed one of the greatest science fiction movies of all time- "Blade Runner", but also one of the greatest horror movies of all time- "Alien". But "Covenant" is as far from being "up to snuff" as a coma victim is at reciting poetry.
As stated above, "Alien: Covenant" is bad. However, I find it difficult to find any sort of starting point, it is that fucking bad. The casting- horrendous. Danny McBride and James Franco are outstandingly miscast. The story is a carbon copy of the original, now some forty years old; except it is much more stupid.
So... there's another beacon, and they decide to stop and investigate. In the first movie they HAD to stop and investigate, it was company policy. In this version they don't even have a real reason to stop. They just stop, because... well, why the hell not? They're deep in space, traveling to a planet on which they might begin anew, and there carrying 20,000 colonists, thereby making their decision to arbitrarily investigate what could be an extremely dangerous situation even more overwhelmingly stupid.
Then the story turns into a "Heart of Darkness" sort of escapade as they find David, who is a robot that's gone inexplicably insane: just like Kurtz. Furthermore, David decides to unleash the black goo onto the Engineers home planet, and we cannot discern why. He then starts experimenting on seed pods which inexplicably infect mammals with cute pink aliens that burst out from the spine this time, not the chest. Why? Who the fuck knows. Then there's some eggs and a face-hugger and a battle that's all CG and Danny McBride in his stupid cowboy hat throwing out lines with all the realism and effect of a first year drama student, and it all sucks... and we've all seen it before, and none of it is new or exciting or profound, and none of it matters and we, the audience, end up not giving a shit. And none of it, none of it at all continues the story of "Prometheus"; which is the story I really wanted to see.
I thought that "Alien: Covenant" looked stupid from the trailers and, most unfortunately, I was proved right. "Alien: Covenant" is tired, trite, boring, and worst of all, stupid. If you thought the scientists from "Prometheus" acted like a bunch'a slack-jawed yokels, you're gonna love the way the colonists act. "Alien: Covenant" gets a BIRTHDAY CAKE review. Don't bother with this one. Just watch "Alien" again.
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