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Kevin Michael Vance
Writer - Portland, Oregon
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Go Back To Reviews
Title: THE WITCHER
Director: Creator (netflix)- Lauren Schmidt, Author- Andrzej Sapkowski
Year: 2019
Reviewed: January 07, 2020
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Rice Cake-Lowest Rating |
[Rating Definitions]
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Netflix's "The Witcher"- based on a number of video games, short stories, and books of the same name- sucks!
Let me explain.
I love the fantasy genre. Have ever since I was a young boy in Montana being teased and bullied because I played D&D. I trudged through the perils of high school clasping to a series of fantasy novels written by the author Michael Moorcock, whose titular character, Elric of Melnibone, Emperor of the Dreaming City of Immyr, shares more than a passing resemblance to Geralt of Rivia, "The Witcher" himself. The first novel I ever wrote was, of course, a fantasy novel.
I say these things so that you, dear reader, might understand that not only do I love the Fantasy genre, but also I have acquired a bit of knowledge regarding said genre. So, let's get to it. Or, as the mage's said in the very last episode, and I quote, "Let's do it!"
"The Witcher" sucks not just because it is bad fantasy, but also because it is simply bad. The series assumes (always a mistake) that the viewer is well versed in the lore, mythology, and history of "The Witcher's" world. I have neither read the books, nor have I played any of the video games. So I am, the viewer, thrust into a world about which I know nothing. And the show does nothing to alleviate this. Never is the antagonist given any motivation for his actions. Never is the world shown to my in any way, via map, aerial photography... nothing. I know there are kingdoms and they are at war, and yet, I know not why. Never is anyone given any back-story or history. Geralt was "forced" to become a Witcher. He's also a mutant. And that's all I know about him. I know nothing of his powers, nothing of his history, nothing that would make me care about him. There's back-story given to a character known as Yennefer (yes... you read that right, her name's Yennefer). So much so, I began to think, "Well... the show should be called- Yennefer, the Mage" not "The Witcher". Never are we told why the elves are second-class citizens. And, I think I only saw them once. Never is the connection between Ciri and Geralt explained. Nor is the shiny golden world inhabited by hot Amazon's ever explained. Nothing is given any context or explanation. And when I say nothing, I mean... NOTHING! I don't know anything about the magic, or the Mage School, apart from the fact that they both exist. Geralt seems to be able to do magic, but I don't know how much. Also, his face changes when he fights monsters. He looks scarier. And still, I don't know why. My dear friend told me that the Witcher carries two swords- one for humans, one for monsters. I didn't know this! This was never explained to me.
So, the show is a whole bunch of lights and sounds and people, and none of it... not one second means a damn thing.
Then there's the practical shit. The costumes are ridiculous. The dialogue, as stated before, is atrocious. Mage's yelling, "Let's do it!" like a Shia LeBouf ad. At the very end of episode 8, I thought I was going to get some motivation for the antagonist when someone asked him why he was killing people and conquering the land. His reply was this, "to get to the center of things". Geralt is constantly growling, "Aww, fuck." or simply "fuck". There is no attempt at witty and or clever and or simply good dialogue. In one scene, Geralt's sword-guard changed twice. I know this is only a continuity thing, but with a show this bad it stands out as a glaring mistake. The cinematography is horrible. There was a scene in a recent episode where the light was pulsing. There was no reason given for this. They didn't stand in a magical cavern, there weren't monsters lurking about, and yet the light pulsed. And then, as if the writing wasn't horrible, as if the dialogue sounded like it was written by millennial's who have no style and no substance, the writers decide to mess with the time-line. Watching the show, you and I never know whether we're in the past, present, or the future.
There is only one thing good in the entire series, and that is some of the sword choreography. But, as stated before, I don't know about any of the characters, therefore I don't care about any of the characters, which finally leaves the beautiful choreography cold and vapid.
Netflix's "The Witcher" sucks. Netflix's "The Witcher" is bad television. Netflix's "The Witcher" is bad fantasy. And even after all that, people still like it.
"The Witcher" gets my lowest review, the dreaded RICE CAKE review.
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