Title - Kevin Michael Vance - writer/musician/purveyor of raw materials
Kevin Michael Vance
Writer - Portland, Oregon

Go Back To Reviews

Title: Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones
Director: George Lucas
Year: 2002
Reviewed: July 16, 2003

Rating:   Rice Cake-Lowest Rating
[Rating Definitions]

  Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones

"Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones"

I give "Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones" a RICE CAKE RATING.

Where do I start? How do you spoon your way through a humid, smoldering lake of feces, grinning brown all the way, only in an effort to find the warm, crunchy center, and then, when it's all over and done with, stand back and call yourself human? How does one, fully aware and cognizant, engage in coitus with his or her closest sibling, and act proud and noble about the subject of incest? How, in the name of everything good and fine and dangerous and dark in the world, can one- myself included mind you- sit through these films of unparalleled odiousness, turn to his best friend, and emit these words, "Hell! ' Least the fight scenes was cool!"?

"Attack of the Clones" is so very, very bad it boggles the sane and insane mind alike.

What's worse, getting shot in the foot or having your foot chopped off? What's worse, the acting in "Phantom" or the story in "Clones"? What's worse, the script in "Clones" or the humor in "Phantom"? What's worse, the fact that Lucas can no longer write or the fact that he's begun to resemble Jabba the Hut? What's worse, Luke Sky Walker whining or Anakin Sky Walker whining? What's worse, C-3PO saying, "how rude.", or Jar Jar Binks saying, "how rude."? What's worse, the bad CGI or the bad CGI Yoda? What's worse, a life without the "Star Wars" prequels or a life with them?

Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe it's the good, and I might add cheap, Trader Joes wine in me (I like Charles Shaw the best), but I sure as shmega don't flippin' know!

Truly… I do not know!

All right, I will attempt, albeit this evinced effort alone may be enough to induce violent, apoplectic seizures throughout my whole body, to somehow review this movie.

Here goes!

You ready?

Ah… uh… well… let's see… there were space ships, that much I remember… and, uh… light sabers… those are always cool… some guy who looked like Jabba except with more arms, and some other guy who looked like a butt-rocker from Gresham with rickets… uh… lemme see hear… there were battles… lots o' battles… the force, a magical well-spring of imagination and inventiveness, was reduced down to a scientific analysis that sucked every bit of life and wonder out of the enter concept… I remember that! Wait a sec'! That was "Phantom". These movies are so bad I'm not sure I can tell them apart any more.

I remember a dead, vacuous film. Actually, I remember two, dead, vacuous films.

As someone once said… somewhere, "FUCK IT!"

This movies sucks, for no lack of a better word! And not in a good way either.

When I first saw Star Wars, it changed my life. I saw the true face of evil in Darth Vader, and I realized, quietly and privately, that I loved it. I saw a hero, human and fallible in every sense of each word, in Han Solo. I fell in love with Princess Leia Organa, and her tight, white, little outfit. The chirps and whistles of R-2 were music to my ears, as was the buzz and fart of the battling light sabers. Storm Troopers in white armor stomped through my mind, vying for my attention alongside such bizarre heroes as Elric and his black blade Storm Bringer, and Cutter and his ferocious band of elves. The Force was mystical, beautiful, and real, at least as real as it can be to a young boy in the mountains of Montana. The first three films were breathtaking, instilling in me a sense of imagination and marvel that I had never before found.

These prequels are mockeries, hideous travesties of the magic Lucas and his inept mind had somehow divined, obviously through some latent instinct he himself is unaware of, in the first three.

If you recall, I have mentioned before that "Empire Strikes Back" is the greatest example of what an Act II should be. On the flip side, "Attack of the Clones" is one of the worst examples of an Act II. Lucas breaks every good and fine rule in the dramatic arts and then makes all the wrong mistakes and moves with, literally, everything; i.e. story, dialogue, special effects, character… etc. "Clones" is moronic; with its hideously up-beat ending, endlessly bad acting, appalling fight scene with the cane and light saber wielding Yoda. Lucas' reasoning behind Amadala and Anakin marrying at the end was that he needed them to couple, so's Luke and Leia would be born.

I have an idea. Granted, it's a radical one, but it's far more sinister and worthy of what Darth Vader is than the one created by the "creator".

How 'bout Anakin raping Amadala?

"Goodness, gracious me!" you might say.

Now, don't any of you fair readers think for one, fraction of a second that I'm an advocate for rape. I am not. However, when it comes to a dramatic turn of events and as it regards the characters- flat, and ill perceived as they are- it would make more sense. Think about it. Amadala being raped by Anakin would've been better on so many different levels. One: this could very much spur Anakin's fall into darkness. Two: it's a better ending. Three: it would explain how Amadala got pregnant. Four: it's a better fuckin' ending! Five: it shows just how far Anakin has slipped into the dark side. Six: IT'S A BETTER FUCKIN' ENDING!

Here's how I would do it.

Obi Wan is waiting outside of a locked room. Anakin bursts out of this room, enraged. Maybe he says something to Obi Wan like, "I'll never listen to you… again.", and maybe he doesn't. Anakin storms off, Obi enters the room, and Amadala at that moment is putting on a robe, covering herself, and turning her face from his, where upon a purple bruise blooms beneath her right eye. See? You don't show the audience anything. You imply everything. Then you have them guessing for the next few years what exactly went on in that room.

Tension. Tension. Tension.

Conflict. Conflict. Conflict.

My good friend Devon, with whom I have spirited discussions about a number of different movies, thought that when Lucas set out to make these two movies his intention was to destroy everything decent about the first three films, and alienate every fan he had garnered throughout the decades.

I tend to believe Devon is correct.

Star Wars fans used to be a higher caliber of geek. I used to think that Star Wars Fans would not enjoy a "Star Wars" movie if it were bad; unlike so many "Trekkers", I know.

I was wrong.

"Star Wars" fans are just as bad as "Trekkers", maybe even worse. And I, at one time, gladly counted myself among them. No longer.

I did not pay to see the second film, and I will not support the third. Lucas should be ashamed, he should be exiled from everything Star Wars, ostracized from ILM, regardless of whether or not he helped found the company. Lucas should be dragged from his ranch, and beaten repeatedly by so many red and yellow and green plastic light saber sticks. Lucas' ranch should be blown to smoldering bits, with all his effects and memorabilia burnt to a red, ruddy cinder.

I despise what he has done.

So one of you is going to have to write me, and tell me how bad the third movie is. I don't believe in protests, but I'm protesting that!

One last thing, I'm sick of hearing from fans how this movie was atleast better than the first, and how it makes up for the utter worthlessness of the first film.

They both suck. Deal with it.

Astarna Web Development - Professional Custom Web Application Programming