|
www.kevacho.com
©2002-2024
Kevin Michael Vance
Writer - Portland, Oregon
|
|
|
Go Back To Reviews
Title: And another thing...
Director: N/A
Year: N/A
Reviewed: December 10, 2011
| Rating: |
|
 | |
 | |
| |
| |
Rice Cake-Lowest Rating |
[Rating Definitions]
|
|
|
And another thing... I was struck the other day while slinging shit onto a shelf (I stock groceries) by the thought that one of the main problems with the remake of Conan the Barbarian is Conan’s lack of a journey. In the remake, yah sure, Conan’s village and people are wiped from the face of Hyboria. But that’s where the tension and conflict end. He is born the greatest warrior alive. He spins and jumps and hacks and fucks his way through every situation, never being wounded once, barely even being touched; ‘cept of course by the beauteous, buxom wench. Zero tension. Zero conflict. There is never any doubt that Conan will over come and persevere. He has to strive and fight for nothing; because, inevitably, he is some kind of superman.
Conan’s journey in the original 1982 film is much more in-depth, introspective, and interesting. Yes, his people are slaughtered by Thulsa Doom and his band of vicious marauders, but that is the only similarity. The original actually has a story and a purpose and a philosophy. With Conan’s way of life destroyed, he is forced into slavery. He gains his strength and power through the mindless pushing of the Wheel of Pain. After which, he gains knowledge and a sense of self worth as an unbeatable gladiator, with the knowledge that killing brought him glory and riches. As a slave, his captors train him in martial arts and philosophy, before finally releasing him into the world. High adventure ensues! Then Conan finally finds a way to enact revenge on the man who destroyed his people. However, once again, Conan is captured, and this time – crucified upon the Tree of Woe. Nearly dead, Conan must fight unearthly demons that would steal his soul, nurse himself back to health, do battle with Doom’s muscle-bound henchmen, before he can sever the head of his nemesis, and ultimately contemplate the meaning of life when he has no enemy to crush!
The remake is an anemic, salad-eating, limp-wristed, hipster-doofus of a movie. The original is a powerful journey, not only helmed by a man who physically embodies Conan, but one who also ‘gets’ the character on a deeper, more emotional level. To sum it up: Arnold IS Conan, Jason Momoa is NOT.
|
|
