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©2002-2024
Kevin Michael Vance
Writer - Portland, Oregon
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Title: UNWELCOME
Director: Jon Wright
Year: 2022
Reviewed: October 07, 2023
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Rice Cake-Lowest Rating |
[Rating Definitions]
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So, it's my time of the year... October; flocks of dead leaves flitting over dew-covered cobblestones, leafless trees moaning and groaning and sighing in chilled autumn winds, dark skies painted slate gray, a premonition of nightmares, an invitation to dark carnivals... oh, and record high temperatures! 82 degrees on October 7th... what-the-fuck-ever! Barring the unseasonably warm weather it's nothing but horror movies all month. So, I slipped into Shudder and turned on this little gem; oh sorry, I misspoke... this little turd.
I can't imagine two more unlikable protagonists even if I tried to write two of the most unlikable protagonists. The man was a complete and utter pussy, and within ten minutes of the beginning of act one they must have called each other "babe" twenty times. "No problem, babe." "You're the best, babe." "We live here now, babe." Then there were the utterly cartoonish thugs, one of whom inexplicably had a death-wish, and all of whom decide to break and enter an apartment just to harass and beat up the two unlikable protagonists. They don't steal anything they just fuck with them, like teenage bullies from a John Hughes movie. There's so much that could have happened in the first scene, basically the prologue, that would have carried so much depth into the bulk of the film. The woman could have lost the baby after being beaten up, which would have given her some much-needed depth. At one point, one of the thugs offers up his throat to her (she's holding a kitchen knife), and he's like do it, kill me. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be cool if she actually had thrust the blade into his trachea; talk about "much-needed" depth!
So, with all the "babes" and ridiculous and moronic set up I didn't make it past the first half hour. Therefore I give Unwelcome my dreaded RICE CAKE review.
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