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©2002-2024
Kevin Michael Vance
Writer - Portland, Oregon
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Title: Blade- Trinity
Director: David S. Goyer
Year: 2004
Reviewed: December 14, 2004
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Rice Cake-Lowest Rating |
[Rating Definitions]
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I saw the first two Blade films and liked them. In fact, I've always said that Blade one is the perfect example of what constitutes a Fast Food Meal review. It tasted good, filled me up, but probably wasn't the healthiest meal. Suffice it to say, Blade one and two gave me what I wanted; i.e. lots o' gore, cool vampires, bitchin' fight scenes, some decent mythical qualities and, what I thought, was lots of fun.
Blade 3- Trinity, was nothing at all like its counterparts. That's why I give it my lowest rating possible, the RICE CAKE review.
Quite literally, there was nothing I really liked about Blade 3- Trinity. The screenplay was a joke: oooh… resurrecting Dracula! I'm pretty darn sure I've heard that one before. The dialogue was absolutely laughable and more often than not delivered with nothing more than wooden and passionless performances. Not even Parker Posey, independent film girl extrodinaire, could level this film above the bottom-feeding tripe it most assuredly appeared to be. It also sounded as if she never quite got used to the vampire fangs, her tongue was tripping over lines and words trying to get them past the canines. In other words she didn't speak well with the teeth in. This movie, to put it simply, was pretty damn bad. Even the costumes were, for lack of a better word, lame. They had, at one point, Wesley Snipes in a tight, red, long-sleeved, mock turtleneck. He didn't look like Blade. He looked like a gay vampire hunter with a sharp, silver stick. In one scene, Ryan Reynolds wore a leather jacket with a striking, pinkish hue, and which looked as if Michael Jackson had worn it when he had been black. Triple H was horrible. Ryan Reynolds was funny some times, and overbearing most of the time. And Jessica Biel, albeit trussed up in tight pants and flaunting a sleek abdomen and svelte buttocks was nothing more than, quite simply, T&A. Blade has a new crew this time around, almost 6 new characters, and we're supposed to care about them when Dracula, who's sporting a buzz cut and speaks with no accent whatsoever, slaughters them. We don't care about them. Because, contrary to the director's and screenwriter's belief, they did not infuse enough character, or even, lack thereof, for us to care.
As my dad might say, "I looked at my watch three times." Translation: the movie was so boring and tedious I was wondering when it would end. David, Wesley, Ryan, and Jessica… you guys failed miserably on this one.
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